grades are in.....
well, most of them.
so far so good.
unfortunately it's the one that isn't in yet that I'm especially worried about.
blah.


couldn't sleep last night.
soI wrote.
in my new notebook.
I haven't finished writing in my other one...I almost never do.
it used to bother me...butI think I've decided that it's okay.

I change my notebooks with the changes in my life. It's kinda strange, but they always seem to fit with where I am on my journey right at that moment.

The last one was big...blank pages...no lines...I needed that freedom to explore something different.
I didn't want lines. Or rules. Or restictions. Or boxes.

I didn't handle that all too well, now that I'm looking back at it...

I've had a hard time believing the whole, "God is love" thing lately.
I've wanted to believe it...I wanted the things I was thinking in my head to mean something in my heart...but.
Sometimes I can't remember what God's love feels like.
I feel like my relationship with him right now has been reduced to this bone crippling fear...terror, really.
A..."what are you gonna do next, God?" kinda thing...Or a "Please..please don't let that happen..."

I'm waiting for the next blow. And that is a horrible way to live. There's no faith in that.
If someone told me they were stuck in a relationship like that, I'd be like...

"Um...what are you doing, idot? Get out of there."

It says in the Bible that there's no room in love for fear...I guess I'm just living in a place where there's no room for love. I have that verse on my myspace page, as strange as that it...
I definately have a lot of fear in my life right now...A lot of fear towards God.

And I hate it.
But I don't know how to alter a mindset.
I've always said that my biggest battle was with my mind...but I've never learned how to fight that battle.

Anyways. Yea. I'm struggling with that. Moving on.

As I layed down to write last night, I realized I needed lines again.
Just so happens that I got a new composition notebook for Christmas earlier yesterday...
So I fished it out of my bag, and it was perfect.
Not only did it have lines...but it also had smaller pages.
I think there's definately some symbolism hiding out in there somewhere.

Lines and smaller pages.
I'm condensing.
I'm bringing in my focus.
I'm weeding out some fo the excess.

Good stuff.
Good night.

Hosea.
Discpline.
Rebellion.
Fasting.
Commitment.
And love...Hosea is all about love.

Could it be that 2008 could actually be a year of real, honest, positive growth?
Could it be a year that I spend listening? And retaining?
Lord knows I need some of that good stuff to sink into my skull.

I'm tired of hearing it and thinking..."Man, that's good stuff." Shedding a couple tears. And going on about my business.
I'm tired of verbally commiting myself to things I never follow through on.
I'm tired of just not wanting to do things.

~S