okay. so, occasionally I do this.
Occasionally I can't help myself and I just have to dig some things up and wallow for just a spell. And then I can put it away again.
And collect my bearings.
And be okay.
Do you know what I mean?
For a long time, I thought that this was a bad thing. It wasn't right to hold on to the past. That it was simply a hinderance...something that kept you from being a part of the present.
And I thought something was wrong with me, because I was having a hard time living my life that way.
For one, I can't forget anything. I think too much to forget anything.
For....second. Burying things that you can't forget is not healthy. It's just not. It hurts. And it creates these ugly, deep wounds that never get better or scar over...and make it incredibly difficult to move forward. I have some of those as well.
Here's my current thought process on the matter.
Jesus doesn't speak of forgetting. Or burying, really.
He speaks of life. And of letting go.
But also of remembrance.
Is it possible that I can't forget, because I'm not supposed to?
I'm not supposed to forget where I've been.
Or what I've done.
Or what it felt like.
Or how much I love this or that or them.
Or how beautiful or ugly it was.
Or how much I miss that time or that person.
Maybe I'm supposed to remember, and pull it all back onto the table from time to time and cry it out.
Because the older I get, and the more time I spend on this planet, the more I realize that living life is raw. When you pull back the plastic, things are tender and new and a lot of the times they're bloody.
And so I'm giving myself permission to remember. And sometimes when I remember I laugh. And then sometimes I cry.
Lord, you wept tears of blood for me.
You hung in agony so deep.
You carried my sin away for good.
You walked through the fire to free my soul.
I sit in silence here.
The cross, I now remember.
Lest I forget.
I have a beautiful life.
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